Just days ago, your sweetie was holding you in his arms, telling you how special you are, and how much he loves you. Now three days have gone by and he hasn’t even called! You may even share the same bed and yet you feel like he doesn’t even know that you’re there! Why does it seem like he has you up on a pedestal one moment, and at other times, you feel like you’re last on his list? Sometimes it feels like feast or famine when it comes to getting his attention… Is this some version of male PMS?
Absolutely not; although it really can feel like it! This is actually a very normal process that most men go through in intimate relationships. Called the “rubber band” or the male intimacy cycle, it’s when a man vacillates between being close to his partner and pulling away. Men do this for many reasons. The most important reason is to connect with their more masculine side and to focus on the activities that make them a good provider and partner. While this is a normal, and natural, part of all healthy relationships, it is also very confusing to women. In fact, according to the women who visit MarsVenus.com, it is the biggest source of frustration and pain in their relationships.
Why do men need to pull away?
After experiencing the closeness and intimacy of a partnership, the “we” state, men need to regain their sense of self with the “me” state. After that relationship pause he is ready to experience more intimacy. For most men, intimacy is like an all-you-can-eat buffet. They experience it, enjoy it and then become full. They need time and space to feel hungry again. In healthy relationships, men do not pull away out of anger or frustration about their relationship. If your partner is pulling away out of anger, or is simply avoiding you, there is likely something else going on. Also, rubber banding does not happen when a couple is newly in a relationship. This cycle evolves over time. If he is pulling away early on in the relationship, there are likely other issues affecting his interest that may or may not be related to you.
Reactions by women that may push men away further:
Unfortunately, this cycle can be quite upsetting to a woman. They wonder, "Is it me? Did I do something wrong? Does he still love me?" These painful thoughts often cause women to chase their partner demanding an explanation,“Why haven’t you called me?” or “What’s wrong?” When a woman reacts to the rubber band by chasing, it can cause a man to pull away even more- perhaps stretching until the rubber band breaks. He may feel pressured by concerns that his partner doesn’t trust him, or even that he is incapable of making her happy.
Other times, women convince themselves that it's “wrong” to contact their partner; that they must refrain from even talking, and that whoever talks first loses. Of course, while they are determined not to fold, they are also waiting by the phone, checking their voice mail, checking their e-mail or checking that lump in bed lying beside them for signs of life.
There are so many confusing messages out there to women. If you find yourself in this situation, here are a few things to remember:
1. This cycle is a normal pattern for men- he’s not playing with you. Every woman knows how wonderful it is to see your sweetie after some time apart. His heart feels that for you whenever he pulls away and it’s a positive experience. Let him go… and trust that he will come back.
2. While he’s regaining his sense of self, maybe this would be a good time to regain yours as well. Instead of waiting and worrying, why not visit with some girlfriends? Catch up on your reading. Garden. Meditate. Get a pedicure. Enjoy your life.
3. You are allowed to make contact but try to speak his language when you do. One idea is to ask him for information. Say something like, “Remember that movie you were telling me about? What was the name of that again? I was thinking of renting it.” Appeal to his sense of being the expert by asking for his help or advice.
27.11.07
26.11.07
sad sad song
哪里有彩虹告诉我
能不能把我的愿望还给我
为什么天这么安静
所有云都跑到我这里
有没有口罩一个给我
释怀说了太多就成真不了
也许时间是一种解药
也是我现在正服下的毒药
看不见你的笑 我怎么睡得着
你的身影这么近我却抱不到
没有地球太阳还是会绕
没有理由我也能自己走
你要离开 我知道很简单
你说依赖 是我们的阻碍
就算放开 那能不能别没收我的爱
当作我最后才明白
能不能把我的愿望还给我
为什么天这么安静
所有云都跑到我这里
有没有口罩一个给我
释怀说了太多就成真不了
也许时间是一种解药
也是我现在正服下的毒药
看不见你的笑 我怎么睡得着
你的身影这么近我却抱不到
没有地球太阳还是会绕
没有理由我也能自己走
你要离开 我知道很简单
你说依赖 是我们的阻碍
就算放开 那能不能别没收我的爱
当作我最后才明白
22.11.07
hmm.. in case some of u are wondering.. n kao-beh-ing abt me gg to do another short trip to hk b4 i leave for ldn.. im reali not tat rich. don hav tat excess cash for a dec trip to hk (being peak season).. but becoz it is a gift n so i'll hav to accept it! n to those whom i told that i cant n don hav the money/time coz i need the cash..n the time to spend with family.. they r still true..! coz im oni juz left with one week now to spend here in dec with fam n those frens whom i haven had a chance to catch up with esp those two buds.. n the exam ppl.. im so so sorry .. but reali, believe me.. i love every one of u. now im simply giving more time back to my old old beloved. ya becoz she whined so much abt being neglected ever since our closer days..years ago?
16.11.07
The last tin I ever wan, is to lose a close fren in my life b4 I leave here.
Misunderstandings unresolved. Physical distance can further sink the friendship.
My close frens are only so much. Losing U means A LOT. U don just make up the proportion. U weigh even more in my heart.
I’ll never forget those times we shared. Of Happiness, and simplicity.
Of coz there were rocky times. 2 major ones which I’ll never forget. One of which, the poles still cant meet. But they died down. Because of the firmness of the foundation the friendship was built upon. Because we know how each other is like. Because there is trust. And the common understanding that, this friendship is for life. Both times I cried so hard, never before for a friend. This very third time, I cried tat particular nite too. Wat’s new? N U being the stronger one, I know u wont shed any. Esp when there’s onli stronger anger and pride within. For me, anger and pride works together, but coupled with a weakness for quarrels and a ‘lost’ feeling in the cant-help-its of relationships and bonding, I let tears fall.
That aside, this post is not to gather compassion. All I wan to say is, I don’t reali knw hw to pamper a ger. Not even a guy. U knw tat as well. U being my mentor most of the times. U knw everytin in me best. Mayb even more dan anyone else beside me. I said my apologies tat very day. I don knw wat else to say if there’s still anger, or even the slightest burning fire inside ur heart. I reali wish I can just pour some water to ease the flame. Or that it will die down someday. Even if it means things will be unsettled when I leave. N I can oni pray tat tins will recover becoz remember how the frenship was established despite our characters being poles apart? How others like to laugh at u and questioning abt why we can hang out for years? How u used to dislike me becoz I ‘ignored’ u once during history class? N my reason was mayb I did answered u but u couldn’t catch my one-word ans? How we can just meet up at a phone call’s away.. hang out for the entire nite at the void deck with our hooch..talking abt anitin and everytin.. Our very first trip to thai after As.. our first thai massage bursting into laughter and hence itchyness.. being dumped into mid-sea fr the banana boat n freaking out coz we both canot swim.. parasailing into the sky like a bird ..getting our first hanna done on our arms..those pure n innocent days. U r right, our smiles back then were lighter.. and of pure joy and happiness. Then it was uni days.. how I was ‘tricked’ into the money-counting course while u got into the money-making biz...n remember how u ditch me in hall for a freaking half year and I was all alone there, in the hidden forest, hiding in the pathetic room, eating my own dinners..? But I can never forget abt the happier half a year before, when we see each other everyday n never get bored (at least for me). Weekly groceries shopping at jp after class, stocking up our food for the week.. initial preparation for our stay in the hall lugging pillows and buckets back fr the mall…machine wash our clothes every week and hanging them tog outside the room, havin our bras stolen becoz we forgot to keep them in over the weekend.. pulling our single beds tog under the fan for some warmth.. body massages we gave each other.. listening to lee hom’s songs while mugging tog.. me strumming on the guitar with the wrong chords but we can stil sing our hearts out late till 4am in the morn, with security guards complaining abt the noise we made..these are oni the little memories left inside of me of the many times we shared in this frenship of almost ten years?
What will be of the future. We have no idea. What I knw is physical distance will grow. Emotional as well. Each being occupied with our own lives. Bt the essence of a friendship is always, not in sight, but still in mind. Like wat ppl say, frens are like stars, oni seen n glowing in the dark. I very well wish that I can stil be one of that star in ur life. No matter how faint n with limited capacity. To be there for u if u ever need my help. Though its always the other way round.
Misunderstandings unresolved. Physical distance can further sink the friendship.
My close frens are only so much. Losing U means A LOT. U don just make up the proportion. U weigh even more in my heart.
I’ll never forget those times we shared. Of Happiness, and simplicity.
Of coz there were rocky times. 2 major ones which I’ll never forget. One of which, the poles still cant meet. But they died down. Because of the firmness of the foundation the friendship was built upon. Because we know how each other is like. Because there is trust. And the common understanding that, this friendship is for life. Both times I cried so hard, never before for a friend. This very third time, I cried tat particular nite too. Wat’s new? N U being the stronger one, I know u wont shed any. Esp when there’s onli stronger anger and pride within. For me, anger and pride works together, but coupled with a weakness for quarrels and a ‘lost’ feeling in the cant-help-its of relationships and bonding, I let tears fall.
That aside, this post is not to gather compassion. All I wan to say is, I don’t reali knw hw to pamper a ger. Not even a guy. U knw tat as well. U being my mentor most of the times. U knw everytin in me best. Mayb even more dan anyone else beside me. I said my apologies tat very day. I don knw wat else to say if there’s still anger, or even the slightest burning fire inside ur heart. I reali wish I can just pour some water to ease the flame. Or that it will die down someday. Even if it means things will be unsettled when I leave. N I can oni pray tat tins will recover becoz remember how the frenship was established despite our characters being poles apart? How others like to laugh at u and questioning abt why we can hang out for years? How u used to dislike me becoz I ‘ignored’ u once during history class? N my reason was mayb I did answered u but u couldn’t catch my one-word ans? How we can just meet up at a phone call’s away.. hang out for the entire nite at the void deck with our hooch..talking abt anitin and everytin.. Our very first trip to thai after As.. our first thai massage bursting into laughter and hence itchyness.. being dumped into mid-sea fr the banana boat n freaking out coz we both canot swim.. parasailing into the sky like a bird ..getting our first hanna done on our arms..those pure n innocent days. U r right, our smiles back then were lighter.. and of pure joy and happiness. Then it was uni days.. how I was ‘tricked’ into the money-counting course while u got into the money-making biz...n remember how u ditch me in hall for a freaking half year and I was all alone there, in the hidden forest, hiding in the pathetic room, eating my own dinners..? But I can never forget abt the happier half a year before, when we see each other everyday n never get bored (at least for me). Weekly groceries shopping at jp after class, stocking up our food for the week.. initial preparation for our stay in the hall lugging pillows and buckets back fr the mall…machine wash our clothes every week and hanging them tog outside the room, havin our bras stolen becoz we forgot to keep them in over the weekend.. pulling our single beds tog under the fan for some warmth.. body massages we gave each other.. listening to lee hom’s songs while mugging tog.. me strumming on the guitar with the wrong chords but we can stil sing our hearts out late till 4am in the morn, with security guards complaining abt the noise we made..these are oni the little memories left inside of me of the many times we shared in this frenship of almost ten years?
What will be of the future. We have no idea. What I knw is physical distance will grow. Emotional as well. Each being occupied with our own lives. Bt the essence of a friendship is always, not in sight, but still in mind. Like wat ppl say, frens are like stars, oni seen n glowing in the dark. I very well wish that I can stil be one of that star in ur life. No matter how faint n with limited capacity. To be there for u if u ever need my help. Though its always the other way round.
11.11.07
Changi Boardwalk
2nd time there.. but stil don see the big orange as it was a cloudy day.
insects spotted
a very dao-looking cat
wedding couple
nevertheless, stil a beautiful dusk
insects spotted
a very dao-looking cat
wedding couple
nevertheless, stil a beautiful dusk
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