puzzled..

it's scary how the lesbian couples r breaking up despite the many yrs weathering through things and situations together. like really? even though I know nothings forever but for what they went through..the thick n the thin.. what really tore them apart? or does it just boils down to the fact that no two humans can be tog and tolerating each others differences forever.. straight or gay.. even if what they had been through was the best time of their lives.. 

thank god for the wine.. hot hot water.. n light to guide me back to tent n managed a quick shower in the outdoor toilet. just reminds me of the cold bath I had in Rome. . cold and shivering.. and yet .. sweet. some memories r really meant to stay eternal. and I am really thankful for this point in my life.. having been through what I've been through.. w no regrets whatsoever .. and to be able to start anew come what may.

not lacking

wanting to live a life of abundance means having an attitude of such.

the daily nitty-gritties can reflect one's view of God and God's power in his life.

yes, I am cutting all sorts of expenses way more than before I made this decision a year ago. of coz with a comfy amount going into the bank account monthly without much of a sweat, just pure tiredness and exhaustion from the daily long commute plus catering to the incessant demands from on top, I was more slack in managing the finances, more liberal in the afternoon teh-si-siu-dais..the >$10 lunchs in malls.. just because I really love lunch breaks with the cols. sad to say tho that what often bonds us are also the non-stop complains and grouses, and the lack thereof simply means we are no longer 'one'. how wrong it is to find identify in the work that we do, bond over the work that we do.. and when everything is reduced to zero, we are back to our own role separately as a mother, daughter, wife... with different characters that may not even gel if not for the job that brought us tog. and how many of us can stay connected physically with the amount of stress that daily living demands from us all? and such is life. and i must admit that the hermit in me is enjoying a frugal lifestyle staying indoors most of the 1 yr duration.. but I am thankful for frens who still desperately try to ask me out for some fresh air and then picking up the tab thereafter. and so that was my 1 year of ... slack. not to mention the things that happened quite unexpectedly in between.. the many moments of regret purely out of fear and the 'sick and tired of it all' feeling trying to count every cent I've spent each day.

and oh, on abundance.. so much to learn from everyone ard.. precisely due to each of us being very different in our idiosyncrasies, it always serve as a good reminder not to even try to change anyone or convince anyone, rolling an eye or two might be the best way out but taking along with me the lessons learnt to not become so unbelieving because our God is a God of plenty. we will not die without network/fb/ig, or without battery not just because we have a power bank handy in our bag but because what doesn't kill us only make us stronger isn't it!? the tough and rugged life.. yet full of peace and freedom in Christ.. is what I seek.

so much so for the 'lack of' kinda feeling.. I want to be DONE with it.

ZZzzz

it ain't supposed to be easy. it's supposed to be fulfilling..but tiring.. meaningful not empty. full of love and hope.. faith into the unknown.. 

as much as doing this brings smiles onto the faces of the recipients.. no matter how large the opportunity cost and how small the rewards are.. there is only one way forward into the uncertainty. seeing how families celebrate these occasions when mine never really have made them anything worthy of a gathering.. suddenly the emptiness after the busyness bites within. 

choosing the freedom of singlehood again.. or rather the lack of a choice.. is as liberating as it has been before any of these..or maybe even more so. walking out of this long dark shadow alone is a slow and painful process no one else can understand nor are they expected to. as much as I do wish to be tough and stable as always, there are always weak moments deep into the night I wished someone is right beside me.. someone real.. non judgemental.. love me as I am.. someone not so different from who I am or who i envisioned to be. it is that tough. 

shiny stars shining brightly in the cold dark skies.. r we clouded in our judgement n feelings.. by the fog and messes all around. . do we try harder to be heard and seen.. or fade away as time passes into eternity. . 

what an ass

really am not in the perfect mood and mode to be of any comfort and help to the weak and needy..just because on most days I feel like I'm one of them. 

Fridays. . not that it meant anything to me over the past 12 months of no work.. but they seem the hardest. like wkends and ph.. they seem to magnify the space I'm in.. physically n emotionally making me feel ultra small and insignificant.

feelings.. learn to ignore. .yada yada.. don't we love and hate them. they let us feel so alive like when we're in love.. n yet so dead when we're out. 

n I really hate these many moments of feeling in limbo. I really really wish I can just sign out of it asap n fucking move on. . . move... on... to where I don know.. at least not hanging nowhere with no sense of belonging whatsoever. fat hope. 

arghhh. n guess it pretty much concludes what a bad ass fren I am too. n I cannot resolve to become a better one either.