finally im penning down some thoughts. some years ago i learnt that it's fruitless to pen down depressing thoughts, because they are like a spiral that drags one down even further. even sharing of these with frens don't yield. yes, getting them off the chest does help tat tiny winy bit, and having someone to sulk with over these provides alot of comfort.. but.. but.. what's next? we are all out there alone to face these challenges in the end. 'alone' but not really alone, and yes, all that talk (and posts) on christianity..yada yada...works for me, and to each his own. if my sharing on these 'positives' doesnt comfort others anymore, whats the point of sharing? so, be it sharing of positives or negatives, it all came to a halt. sometimes even to the one closest. just enjoying the days of silence.. quietly.. with God and God alone. and it doesnt matter on days when i dont 'feel' Him that much.. it really doesnt matter. because it's in my own faith that He is always there for me, whether or not i need Him, whether or not i wish for.

 

but silence can get so nerve-wrecking at times. like there's something i should do.. or do more... mind against body...

 

the fight continues.

 

need to learn, to really REST in peace. in the current state and circumstances. even if on days when i read, the words don't feed my soul.. when i pray.. its blabbering out of routine.. when i sing/listen, its just another melody in my ears... i will persevere. with patience. to trust. in days ahead.