6.6.18

psst

anger can be a form of positive energy.

it drives you to push yourself outside your boundaries once that negative emotion is gone. 

give it time.

and remember not to let that feeling be gone to the extent that you settle back into your comfy zone and then become lethargic about whats crucial and urgent.

i need this healthy form of anger some days. just because my procrastinating self is still not enthusiastic or scared enough.. to want to make things happen right now.

a life of dilemma. as always. fucked up.

9.3.18

no.

Time did not make it any better. 

I am not sure what, when and how. I am not prepared to start nor stop. I am ticking along with time, yet I am still. I am, in everyone's opinion, not ready, and in denial. Indeed. Yet no one can save me, not myself, not God. 

11.8.17

God Will Bring You Through

Finding Strength for the Storms You Face
Article by 

Pastor, Newberry, South Carolina

How do we weather seasons in life when friends are far away, fair havens have faded from the horizon, we are storm-tossed at sea, and everything we need has been stripped away?

You lose your job. You're bombing several classes. Your home feels like a battleground. You've just been diagnosed with a serious illness. Your church is in dire straits. In seasons like this, many of us (myself included) feel like we need something new — a new word from God that applies directly to our situation.

In Acts 27, after more than two years of waiting, Paul was finally sailing for Rome. His whole life had led up to this moment. All of his training and experience had prepared him to preach the gospel before Caesar himself. But on the journey from Jerusalem to Rome, Paul faced one of the fiercest storms of his life. And the strength he needed did not come from a new promise, but an old one — a promise God had given to him years before.

Goodbye, Fair Havens

The trip starts off well. At the first port, Paul is given liberty to visit friends. On top of that, the ship is headed for a place called Fair Havens to spend the winter. But then everything starts to unravel:

And putting out to sea . . . the winds were against us. . . . We sailed slowly for a number of days and arrivedwith difficulty off Cnidus, and as the wind did not allow us to go farther . . . coasting along it with difficulty . . . the voyage was now dangerous. (Acts 27:4, 7–9)

The wind carrying Paul to his mission in Rome suddenly shifted. As the ship left Fair Havens for the tempestuous sea, it was as if God himself was blowing against Paul. You can imagine Paul onboard the ship: Jesus, I know you've called me to Rome. You promised that I'll testify to you there. Why are you making this so hard?

Have you ever felt this way? Jesus, you've called me to this church. You've called me to this job. You've called me to this marriage, this family, this town. God, I'm just trying to do something for you — why do you make it so impossible?

When the winds are against us and no fair haven is in sight, we have to regroup. We get so wrapped up in doing something for God. He is concerned with what he is doing in us. He leads us into winds and storms to show us just how unbreakable his promises are.

Remember the Promise

Paul warned the crew that a storm would come — and it did come. A violent wind rumbled over the island of Crete, blowing Paul and his shipmates into the murky, angry depths of the sea:

Since we were violently storm-tossed, they began the next day to jettison the cargo. And on the third day they threw the ship's tackle overboard with their own hands. When neither sun nor stars appeared for many days, and no small tempest lay on us, all hope of our being saved was at last abandoned. (Acts 27:18–20)

Into that moment of utter despair, God sent an angel to Paul, saying, "Do not be afraid, Paul; you must stand before Caesar. And behold, God has granted you all those who sail with you" (Acts 27:24).

The promise that Paul would stand before Caesar is not new. Two years earlier, Jesus himself stood by Paul in prison and promised, "As you have testified to the facts about me in Jerusalem, so you must also testify in Rome" (Acts 23:11). In the midst of Paul's terrifying storm, he didn't need a new promise or a new revelation — he needed to remember the promise God had already given.

God stripped everything away from Paul and his companions so they couldn't put their hope in cargo, tackle, or even the ship itself. Paul's only hope was God's promise. That night, Paul strengthened the crew with the assurance of that promise (Acts 27:21–26).

Faith vs. Pragmatism

But what happens when something more practical than "trusting his promise" comes along? That night, the sailors were tempted to take a more pragmatic approach:

About midnight the sailors suspected that they were nearing land. . . . The sailors were seeking to escape from the ship, and had lowered the ship's boat into the sea under pretense of laying out anchors from the bow. (Acts 27:27, 30)

They were willing to trust the promise of Paul's God when they had nothing else to go on. But as soon as anything else appeared on the horizon, they were ready to jump ship.

Pragmatism says, "Abandon ship and take your chances rowing for shore." Faith says, "Stay aboard a sinking ship and trust God's promises." In our churches, how quickly do we abandon God's sure promises when something more practical appears on the horizon? In our daily lives, the Scriptures are great when we feel hopeless, but how quick are we to jump ship the moment a more practical solution appears?

Safe at Shore

After Paul convinces the sailors to cut away the ship's boat, the story comes to a crashing finish:

Striking a reef, they ran the vessel aground. The bow stuck and remained immovable, and the stern was being broken up by the surf. But the centurion . . . ordered those who could swim to jump overboard first and make for the land, and the rest on planks or on pieces of the ship. And so it was that all were brought safely to land. (Acts 27:41, 43–44)

And so it was that all were brought safely to land. We all knew this was how the story would end. We had no doubt God would keep his promise. Isn't that a funny thing? When we read God's word, we never wonder how the story is going to end. It's a foregone conclusion — God will keep his promise because he always does.

But how will God keep his promise? That gets more to the heart of it, doesn't it? That's the question we find ourselves asking over and over again in the storm:How? When Paul needed reassurance that God was going to deliver him, God didn't tell him how. In fact, God simply reminded him of the promise he had already made.

God Will Keep His Promise

In the midst of the storm, we become convinced: I need a new promise. I need to know how. And God comes to us and says, "You don't need a new promise. You need to hear the same promise again." God has promised you will be brought safely through — you will reach your journey's end in Jesus Christ:

  • Philippians 1:6: "I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ."
  • Isaiah 41:10: "Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
  • John 10:27–28: "My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand."
  • Philippians 4:19: "My God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus."
  • 1 Corinthians 1:8: "He will sustain you to the end, guiltless in the day of our Lord Jesus Christ."

In the crazy storms, the shipwrecks, the starless nights and sunless days, we don't know how God will save us. But we do have his promises. And when we get to the end of our lives, we will be able to say, "I had no idea how he would save me, how I would make it to the end. But never once did he fail to keep his promise."

31.7.17

bye July

and this is a debt that you can never finish repaying me

我放你走。

18.7.17

fml

wishing my heart is as cold as how my face looks

so I can stop feeling hurt by mindless remarks 

and act blur like no harms done 

and everything is as fine as it should be in their perspective.

11.7.17

strangely, I feel more love from a stranger than the people around.. 

self-sacrificial type of love.

one who will inconvenience herself so that I can also benefit. 

of coz. mom's excluded. mom is the best. still counting my days.. counting my blessings. 

10.7.17

这个七月

有点闷闷的

有点难相信

事已过一年

有进步吗?

30.6.17

you know how they say timing is everything? 

do you believe in second chances? that if you've missed it once.. and God would be so kind to grant you another?

or maybe there is no such a thing called the right timing. how on earth would your right timing be the same timing as another person's? and the 'right' person would be of the right sex, with the right personality and fit..lifestyle..moral values and life's goals.. 

maybe all these are just hopeless fallacies.. 


28.6.17

just saying

They came to the conclusion that men are essential for procreation, but when it comes to pleasure... unnecessary. 

-Wonder Woman 

20.6.17

眼泪笑了

还没开始, 但却

一样痛

没遗憾, 因

深深爱过

离远远的 

是对的

吧。



18.6.17

the only way is .. up.

again and again, 

i fail.

even when it's not my problem,

in the end, 

it became mine. 

and i became THE problem.

uninspired. and unmotivated.

where do the brokenhearted find their comfort from.. how does everyone else manage so much better in life despite their similar circumstances? where do i begin..

down and out. it's been so long i last felt any warmth from words, much less a physical embrace..  the stronger arm that protects.. are only memories that's left.  

31.5.17

puzzled..

it's scary how the lesbian couples r breaking up despite the many yrs weathering through things and situations together. like really? even though I know nothings forever but for what they went through..the thick n the thin.. what really tore them apart? or does it just boils down to the fact that no two humans can be tog and tolerating each others differences forever.. straight or gay.. even if what they had been through was the best time of their lives.. 

thank god for the wine.. hot hot water.. n light to guide me back to tent n managed a quick shower in the outdoor toilet. just reminds me of the cold bath I had in Rome. . cold and shivering.. and yet .. sweet. some memories r really meant to stay eternal. and I am really thankful for this point in my life.. having been through what I've been through.. w no regrets whatsoever .. and to be able to start anew come what may.

15.5.17

not lacking

wanting to live a life of abundance means having an attitude of such.

the daily nitty-gritties can reflect one's view of God and God's power in his life.

yes, I am cutting all sorts of expenses way more than before I made this decision a year ago. of coz with a comfy amount going into the bank account monthly without much of a sweat, just pure tiredness and exhaustion from the daily long commute plus catering to the incessant demands from on top, I was more slack in managing the finances, more liberal in the afternoon teh-si-siu-dais..the >$10 lunchs in malls.. just because I really love lunch breaks with the cols. sad to say tho that what often bonds us are also the non-stop complains and grouses, and the lack thereof simply means we are no longer 'one'. how wrong it is to find identify in the work that we do, bond over the work that we do.. and when everything is reduced to zero, we are back to our own role separately as a mother, daughter, wife... with different characters that may not even gel if not for the job that brought us tog. and how many of us can stay connected physically with the amount of stress that daily living demands from us all? and such is life. and i must admit that the hermit in me is enjoying a frugal lifestyle staying indoors most of the 1 yr duration.. but I am thankful for frens who still desperately try to ask me out for some fresh air and then picking up the tab thereafter. and so that was my 1 year of ... slack. not to mention the things that happened quite unexpectedly in between.. the many moments of regret purely out of fear and the 'sick and tired of it all' feeling trying to count every cent I've spent each day.

and oh, on abundance.. so much to learn from everyone ard.. precisely due to each of us being very different in our idiosyncrasies, it always serve as a good reminder not to even try to change anyone or convince anyone, rolling an eye or two might be the best way out but taking along with me the lessons learnt to not become so unbelieving because our God is a God of plenty. we will not die without network/fb/ig, or without battery not just because we have a power bank handy in our bag but because what doesn't kill us only make us stronger isn't it!? the tough and rugged life.. yet full of peace and freedom in Christ.. is what I seek.

so much so for the 'lack of' kinda feeling.. I want to be DONE with it.

13.5.17

ZZzzz

it ain't supposed to be easy. it's supposed to be fulfilling..but tiring.. meaningful not empty. full of love and hope.. faith into the unknown.. 

as much as doing this brings smiles onto the faces of the recipients.. no matter how large the opportunity cost and how small the rewards are.. there is only one way forward into the uncertainty. seeing how families celebrate these occasions when mine never really have made them anything worthy of a gathering.. suddenly the emptiness after the busyness bites within. 

choosing the freedom of singlehood again.. or rather the lack of a choice.. is as liberating as it has been before any of these..or maybe even more so. walking out of this long dark shadow alone is a slow and painful process no one else can understand nor are they expected to. as much as I do wish to be tough and stable as always, there are always weak moments deep into the night I wished someone is right beside me.. someone real.. non judgemental.. love me as I am.. someone not so different from who I am or who i envisioned to be. it is that tough. 

shiny stars shining brightly in the cold dark skies.. r we clouded in our judgement n feelings.. by the fog and messes all around. . do we try harder to be heard and seen.. or fade away as time passes into eternity. . 

5.5.17

what an ass

really am not in the perfect mood and mode to be of any comfort and help to the weak and needy..just because on most days I feel like I'm one of them. 

Fridays. . not that it meant anything to me over the past 12 months of no work.. but they seem the hardest. like wkends and ph.. they seem to magnify the space I'm in.. physically n emotionally making me feel ultra small and insignificant.

feelings.. learn to ignore. .yada yada.. don't we love and hate them. they let us feel so alive like when we're in love.. n yet so dead when we're out. 

n I really hate these many moments of feeling in limbo. I really really wish I can just sign out of it asap n fucking move on. . . move... on... to where I don know.. at least not hanging nowhere with no sense of belonging whatsoever. fat hope. 

arghhh. n guess it pretty much concludes what a bad ass fren I am too. n I cannot resolve to become a better one either. 

12.4.17

paying the price

n why shld I be the one inconvenienced because of others insecurities and inadequacies?

peacekeeper I am not but yet that seems to be my calling

not appreciated mostly even to the extent of being seen as unopinionated. 

Damn 





Sent from my Samsung device

9.4.17

when all you see is just pain..you forgot how much God loves you.

so tough.

relationships of all kinds.

inevitable.

like the sermon today, God just purposely places us in scenarios which we always want to avoid.. just so we can toughen up, be humble.. and grow. such a painful process called life.

there are still weak times I wish I can run away from everything and everyone here. sigh...

last july was pbly the worst july of all julys in my life. this coming one will be another milestone.. because they say life resets in diff stages, 35 being one of them. I am still thankful for this reset. the past 5 years was quite an experience.. not one that anyone wld wish for.. with the kind of outcome.. but definitely useful as it makes u see things even more clearly.. inside and out.. even if its confirming some fears and desires... that might be better left untouched...unrestored.. for fear of what other silly things the heart and flesh might bring me to...

fruit of the spirit..isn't it.

what come may...come what may..

Jesus is the only one true God.. and the only one who never stops loving me fondly, regardless of who and what I am.

30.3.17

FEARLESS

remembering the nail and the cross.. that took away the fears and insecurities

it is finished.


something so easily forgotten in our daily pursuits..

Meditate On

Teach those who are rich in this world not to be proud and not to trust in their money, which is so unreliable. Their trust should be in God, who richly gives us all we need for our enjoyment.
1 Timothy 6:17, NLT
Trust Completely In Jesus

The Bible tells us clearly not to put our trust in money. Our eyes should never be on money and money should never be our goal.

It is unwise to put your trust in uncertain riches. Rather, turn your eyes upon and put your trust completely in the person of Jesus. Don't make the mistake of pursuing the provision and missing the Provider. The Word declares that it is the Lord who gives and provides us all that we need for our enjoyment.

Beloved, when you have Jesus, you have everything. You have peace, righteousness, forgiveness, wisdom, health, power, provision, favor and every blessing. Now, this is true prosperity and good success. So anchor yourself on Him and not on material things, and enjoy the security and unshakable peace that is found only in Jesus!